The Problems of Leo Valdez
by TheAravis
Summary: Between getting his two best friends together (because if it gets any more awkward he'll strangle himself), his best friend's ex who just moved in and very well may ruin his plans, and, of couse, the school play, Leo Valdez has got way too many problems. Oh, and did he mention he might have teensy crush on the aforementioned ex? Yeah. (AU, Leyna, Jiper)


Hello! Welcome to my story! And yes, high school AU. I must say, I am pretty creative yup.

Unfortunately, that last sentence was a little bit of a lie, but I really really wanted to write a Leyna fic. So I did. And don't be fooled by the fact Reyna's not even in this chapter, Leyna will be the basis for this fic if it kills me. Because Leyna is cute and Rick Riordan doesn't even know it.

Okay, I will shut up now. Read on.

* * *

Well, let's be honest; it's none of my business if Piper and Jason get together. Not like they're my best friends or anything, not even like they're the two people I'm closer to than I've ever been close to anyone in years!

…Yeah, it _is_ my business. But Piper and Jason wouldn't exactly be too happy if they knew I knew it was my business. They'd probably say it _wasn't _my business! Which _is_ what I just said, but that's not the point - I'd go so far as to say it's the _opposite_ of the point! I mean, considering I disproved it and everything.

But anyway, yeah, pissing off my friends? Not too high on the to-do list. But you know what else is even lower? _Talking to two awkward teenagers while they're busy pretending they're not madly in love._

I mean, at least if they're making out, they're being straightforward. Better to be the awkward third wheel to two people making out than to be the awkward third wheel to _awkward_.

And hey, maybe the god of love hasn't smiled on me (for I was made far too beautiful for my own good and intimidate the lovely maidens of whom I hit on), but these two have been hit with Cupid's arrow, and that arrow is going to ruin my life if I don't do something about it.

So Aphrodite, Venus, Cupid, St. Valentine, whoever you are, cut me a break, okay? Because I'm getting these two together if it kills me.

And it _will _kill me.

Seriously.

(When I say "it," I mean Piper. Chick's vicious.)

* * *

"So, Pipes, I don't get it, why are you pissed off?"

"Leo, have you even listened to me at all?" Piper asks me disapprovingly.

"How angry would you be if I said no?"

Piper's been talking about something or the other. I haven't really been listening, but you can't hold it against me.

Thing is, when you're _the_ Leo Valdez, you don't have time to worry about Piper Problems. Especially since there's a metric ton of Piper Problems, and most of them don't qualify as problems. What can I say? She's girl. When a girl, do as the girls do. Because you're a girl. And - I know this for a fact - girls have a lot of non-problem problems.

Now, Leo Valdez Problems, they are some important stuff! 'Cause when _Leo Valdez_ has a problem… it's a _problem_! And my current Leo Valdez Problem - The Issue of the Awkward Hormone-Driven Teens - well, it is a _problem_.

In theory, it should be pretty easy to get two hormone-driven teens together, but the ones in question just happen to be impossible to work with. It's as if these people _don't_ want me to get them together. Luckily, I'm a saint, and more than that, I'm a clever saint that is sick of awkward cafeteria conversations, and I _will_ get them together.

I should be canonized for this.

"Leo!"

Crap. "Sorry, Pipes, missed what you were saying again. What was it?"

Piper rolls her eyes. "I _was _telling you about Jason-"

"Oh yeah, what are we on now? His 'eyes as blue as the sky'? His 'hair of golden wheat'? Or have we finally moved on to his chiseled abs?"

Piper's cheeks color. Oh, the naïveté of the young and twitterpatted! "I've never said anything like that, Leo! Those are your words, not mine! …And why do you know he has abs?" I shrug. Some things are best left unknown. "Anyway, I wasn't talking about Jason's eyes or hair-"

"Or abs," I point out.

"Or abs," she repeats. "I was telling you that his ex is going to move here, like, next week. Jason's pretty excited. I think he wants to get back together."

…Well.

Crap.

* * *

…If I go through with this plan, will that make me a homewrecker? I never wanted to be a homewrecker! I just wanted a normal social life, without awkward blushing and facepalming!

I'm Leo the Matchmaker, not Leo the Homewrecker!

Well, technically, they don't have a home. I'll just be Leo the Relationship Destroyer… Sounds pretty hardcore… Wait, what am I saying?

Piper said "ex"! Meaning, they're not actually together! I mean, she said he wants to get back together with her, but who knows? That could be Pessmistic Piper "He'll Never Love Me" talk!

Not that she's even admitted she's in love with him to me, but you'd have to be blind or _Jason _to know she's not in love with him. And I have no doubt she's pessimistic about Jason… She's pessimistic about math, so she has to also be pessimistic about Jason! It's a foolproof theory.

Anyway, even if her twisted perspective is right, I can just make like a chick flick! Piper will be the unlikely childhood friend… wait. Piper will be the abnormally pretty and nice girl the guy meets after his breakup with his first love! The guy always ends up with the pretty and nice second girl. I know this for a fact, because I watch chick flicks all the time.

…They're different from _telenovelas_, right? Because the first love always ends up with the protagonist after an emotional change of heart.

Well, then the first love dies, so I guess that leaves Piper for Jason, then!

Kidding, kidding.

* * *

Nice try, Pipes, but I can see through your little façade. If it's any consolation, you're probably wrong about the whole get back together thing. You should really realize Jason likes you back sometime soon. Then we won't need to become an episode of _Degrassi_, and believe me - everything is better when you are not an episode of _Degrassi._

…Is what I want to say, but Piper probably would've slapped me when I started bringing up _Degrassi_. I value my life, thank you very much.

"I don't think he explicitly said that last part, Pipes. Or implied it. At all."

"You weren't there, Leo! I could tell!"

She could tell indeed.

…Yeah, she is most definitely super wrong.

"You are most definitely super wron-" Whoa, did her arm just twitch? "-derful, you're great Pipes wow."

"I know."

"Though it shouldn't matter since Jason _is_ like your brother, right? So far in the friendzone he's in the familyzone?"

"Shut up, Leo!" I laugh at her plight. "I don't like him like that!"

Wow, she's so convincing.

"Don't worry, Piper, I bet his ex is going to be super nice and not awkward at all. And she will not want to get back with Jason," I say - okay, try to say - seriously, even though I don't even believe myself.

"And she'll give us her blessing when me and Jason get married?" Piper said skeptically, eyebrows raised.

"She _will_ give her blessing when you guys get married, you are correct," I concede.

Piper laughs. "We're not getting married, moron."

Coulda fooled me.

* * *

"Hey, Piper, are you auditioning for R&J on Friday?" I ask Piper as she sits by me and Jason in the cafeteria.

"I don't know, Leo. I already told you it's not really my thing," Piper says. I sigh.

"Pipes, I told you, sometimes you just gotta go with the flow. The flow is telling you to audition for Juliet. Also, you promised you'd do it last year, so..."

"Why are you so into theatre anyway?" she asks me.

"I told you already, it's because I can yell about how awesome I am and people will call it 'acting.' It's like heaven on earth."

"I still don't know, Leo," Piper says with a noncommittal shrug.

Time for the ultra secret weapon I prepared for when Piper inevitably broke her promise! "Hey, Jason, you want to audition for the play later?"

"Sure. You know, Reyna's into theatre and that kind of stuff. Actually, it never really seemed like her, but… Hey, Leo, did I tell you about Reyna?"

"Is she your ex? 'Cause if she did, Pipes over here got it covered." Jason nods. So, the ex's name is Reyna, huh? Wonder how she'll be... If she dated Jason, she'll definitely be a character. She probably had to ask him out first, anyway, the kid's totally oblivious to pretty much everything. You know, why'd they break up? Can't ask Jason that, but it's a question.

"Anyway, speaking of the devil, Jason's doing R&J, Piper, two out of two of your friends are doing it; you have no more choice."

"Ugh, fine, Leo."

"You won't regret it!" I say honestly.

"Yeah, yeah."

We fall into an awkward silence. I consider making a fart joke.

* * *

Come on, you've gotta be suspending your disbelief at this point. Romeo and Juliet? The greatest love story ever told? Do you think it was a coincidence our Drama Club just happened to be doing Romeo and Juliet a couple of days after I made the decision to get Jason and Piper together?

Of course not. Do you know how hard it was to convince them to do Romeo and Juliet? "It's overdone," they said, "We just did it last year," they said, "Let's do the one about cross-dressing," they said.

But I got them in the end. Because no one, male or female, gay or straight, can resist the charm of Leo Valdez. Or five bucks. But it was mostly the charm.

* * *

Jason pokes at the cafeteria sludge and sighs. "This isn't food."

"When's it been food, dude? It's always horse poop," I point out.

"But I'm hungry today," Jason whines.

"I'm always hungry," I say. "I say I win the most pitiable contest. Anyway, just close your eyes and pretend it's edible. Take it like a man!"

"That won't work, Leo," Piper interjects. She's right, but I don't plan on telling her so. "Anyway, Jason, since you, um, don't really like the cafeteria food… I have something for you."

Piper's face gets as red as a tomato. She tries to hide it by digging through her little green lunch bag, but she fails, of course. Her lunch bag actually accentuates the color of her face, making it stand out even more. I laugh at her plight.

Piper finally pulls out a cookie wrapped in plastic.

"No, Piper, I can't-"

"It's fine, I have a lot-"

"But Piper-"

I tune out Jason and Piper and pretend I'm not there.

And so it begins.

* * *

Soooooo... is _Degrassi_ still a thing? Heh heh... I'm not joking.

Also, sorry about the bad characterization, it's my first time writing these guys.

And Reyna didn't come in the story yet, like I said, but I love her to pieces, and she will definitely be in the next chapter. Because Leyna.

And about the Jiper... I actually don't care too much for Jiper... or Jason... or Piper, so... I won't be hating on them in this fic, though, but they won't be the central pairing if I pull off the story right, like I said. Sorry if I characterize them badly; I try, but I may not succeed. Actually, I probably don't succeed. Please forgive this, I will try to get better.

Lastly, whether you loved it or hated it, please leave a review! Thanks.


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